A friend of mine sent me an article about a guy that just wanted to hit someone, just once. My friend said that it reminded him of me. There's a good reason for that.
You see, except for trading the occasional punch with my older brother and a brief scuffle I got into in 8th grade when I challenged a guy at the bus stop who had been bullying me, I had never been in a fight. That little scuffle in 8th grade ended with the guy hitting me once in the eye and refusing the fight anymore because he hit me so hard that my eye immediately swelled to the size of a golf ball.
I always regretting not really being in a fight and often wondered what kind of damage I could do to someone. A few years ago I even worked out in a boxing gym in South Philly to try to get pugilistic practice. I did "okay" sparing with some other people but ultimately stopped boxing because I felt myself getting dumber. Still, I had never really got into a real fight before... until last year.
Two good friends of mine and I hit the local convenience store after a night of poker. We were looking for some good eats and I chose my traditional croissant. I had purchased my croissant and was casually eating it near the counter as my compadres continued to browse.
In walked two young guys who had obviously had a good night of partying. Being in a good mood myself, I began cracking jokes with the guys as they continued purchasing all of the old tequitos from the hot dog cooker. I made a witty remark about how they should go ahead and call the ambulance for after they polished off all the tequitos and how their heart attacks would certainly ensue.
One of the guys seemed to enjoy my wit while the other suddenly took offense and asked me if there was some place else I should be. To which I replied that I had already purchased my croissant and was just waiting for my friends. Having sensed the guys agression in his questioning, I finished by asking his permission to continue waiting where I was.
The guy got lippy and I got even lippier back. He starting taking off his jacket, to which I replied "you don't have to take your jacket off for me to kick your ass." Having an apparent advantage over the other guy, I felt liberally confident in my words and continued by giving him warning to calm down.
He shoved me once and prompted me to hit him. Meanwhile, the clerk was calling the police and one of my friends had noticed the scuffle and came over. I handed him my glasses and proceeded to tell the guy not to touch me again. He didn't listen and shoved me once again.
I put my hands up and started approaching him. I felt my adrenaline kick in and and knew that this was it. This was my chance. I had waited years to righteously hit someone that really deserved it.
As I walked forward, my opponent threw a sloppy right hand that missed, leaving his right side open. Croissant in my left hand, I threw two left jabs that landed solid, with the second jab snapping his head to the right and throwing him off balance. His hands dropped and I saw the opening to bring it home. I came forward with a hard right that landed solidly across his mouth. Immediately before he fell into a paper towel display I saw his tooth fly. God, did it feel good.
Knowing that the police were probably en route, I knew that we had to leave right away. I still wasn't wearing my glasses and thus was basically blind. I signalled my buddies to exit promptly and headed out to the car.
Looking back to the convenience store, I saw my friends approaching fast. As my friend approached, I noticed at the last second that it wasn't my friend at all. It was the guy that I just dropped, charging at me, head first. At the last second, I dropped my shoulder into his stomach and lifted him hard enough to flip him over my shoulder so that he landed in the parking lot on his back behind me. That felt almost as good.
He stumbled up and prompted me to continue fighting. While bleeding from his mouth profusely, he continued to punch wildly, even landing a few half-ass punches as I explained to him that he just got his ass kicked and the police were likely on their way and thusly it would be a good idea for both of us to leave promptly. His friend agreed and we all left quickly.
I went to the car, put my glasses on, drove home and finished my croissant that never left my left hand. That night, I was the most powerful man in the universe.
